“They” Were Not There
Family and Friends
I pray that this message encourages you and gives a deeper understanding of how others handle (or don’t handle) our grief. I had to say a special prayer before writing this particular blog because I feel this subject may be a delicate one to some. Whenever we are going through any type of grief, we have an expectation of having people there to stick close by our side. Most of the time this is somebody specific that we have in our lives. However, the truth is, not everyone knows how to handle our grief and have no clue how to “be there” for us. It may even be that they themselves are going through some things that may have hindered them from doing so. Many suffer silently. Having these expectations with unexpected results intensifies the grief that is already present. I have personally seen and heard of people that have lost friendships or have fallen out with family members. I often see posts on social media platforms that read, “They weren’t there when I needed them the most” and “You know who your true friends are when ____________________ “ [whatever the current situation is].
Here is where this message may get delicate. When we are grieving, our thoughts become more sensitive. We’re not always thinking rationally or clearly and don’t consider what someone else may be feeling or going through at that time. We are not thinking that the person may be doing the best they can towards us. We don’t typically have the thought that maybe they want to reach out but don’t know how to even if this person is a family member or friend. We don’t consider that although their hurt is not our hurt, they are hurting also. In many cases, people are there the best way they know how to be, but not in the way that we expected them to be. Other times, people want to reach out but in all honesty, don’t know how to with the fear that they may say too much, not say enough, or that they may say the wrong thing. Just like we all handle grief differently, our family and friends handle their reactions to our grief differently. Here’s another thought and I am saying this in the best way possible without being insensitive. We expect so much out of people, but have we ourselves been what we may consider “a true friend” or “faithful family member” to others in the same manner as we want them to be to us?
We should try our best to accept what people are able to pour out even if it doesn’t seem like enough. Don’t focus so much on who may not have been there. Focus on and be grateful for those who you know were there. We weren’t all raised the same. We all handle each situation uniquely. Don’t lose a friend. Don’t become estranged from a family member. When you are ready, maybe you can communicate your feelings but in a loving manner. You will be surprised of what is communicated back to you and it just may help clear up any misunderstanding that may help you.
I would like to share my personal experience. When I was facing the illness and then death of my sister, I experienced what I call “tunnel vision”. I was so consumed and focusing so much on my grief and my family’s grief that I could barely focus on anything else. I think that a lot of people go through this during the planning phase of planning for guests and making funeral arrangements. A perfect example is that the night of my sister’s wake service and the following day of her funeral. I was so overtaken with grief that I could not tell anyone how crowded the church was. I could not tell you the majority of the people that were there. I only remembered the ones who came directly to me. There were so many people there that I did not realize were in attendance until days and months later as my family and I would discuss different things. And then I would say, “Oh, I didn’t realize they were there.”
If someone didn’t reach out directly to me but thought about me and my family with empathy, I was grateful for that. If they prayed for us without even reaching out (and I know many did), I was still grateful. If they reached out to me via text or social media without a call or visit, I was still grateful. If they could not make it to any of the services or to the home, I was still grateful. Even if they sent a message through someone else, I was grateful. For any act of kindness, I was and still am grateful. I chose to focus on the positive and not the negative. It helped greatly and didn’t add extra to my grief.
Continue to stay encouraged and I pray the best for you as you go through your grief journey, one day at time. Some say process, others say journey. However you refer to it, take your time and allow yourself to grieve. If you feel there is no one to turn to or lean on, consider a counselor, grief coach, or support group. Lastly, allow your faith to guide you.
